and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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