So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
