I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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