i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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