these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
did i just pee glitter
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
