While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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