I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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