I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
