ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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