i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
