for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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