Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
