I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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