Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
