my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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