Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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