You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
