Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
