My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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