soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
