I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
