if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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