theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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