It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
