If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
there's paper in my vomit.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
