ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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