I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
