Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just had sex on a roof
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
