I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
