He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
