BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i've created a new STD.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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