You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i now understand why vodka
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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