You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
