Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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