I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize