If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
