ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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