thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
