Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
ugly people sure do ruin things
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
