you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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