how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
