Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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