Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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