i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
