and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
