i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
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You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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