She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Randomize
