I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
