I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
