I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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