Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
