i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
