I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
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My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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