so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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