if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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