maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Randomize
