I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
