The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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